One of the most helpful things I did with my son Willy was to stop everything which once meant abandoning an overflowing cart in the supermarket and heading out of the store and get into our car. Not to drive -- just to sit there, in a quiet, familiar, controlled environment, removed from all the stuff going on, with nothing much to do but sit there, catch our breath, and look out the windows. Sometimes, we'd end up talking. Other times, I'd hold him. Other times, we'd just sit there.
I'd close my eyes. He might wail. But sooner or later, maybe out of sheer boredom and lack of stimuli, he'd quiet down. Then we'd get up and resume our lives. Realistically, even the most sensible strategies won't always work. I slapped my daughter two or three times when she said things to me so deeply disrespectful I felt as if I'd been stabbed. I slapped my younger son twice, both at moments when, more painful even than if he'd defied me, he ignored me altogether.
The times I've struck one of my children have taught me why I don't ever want to do so again. I want them to grow up believing they can trust me. When a child experiences the sensation of his larger, stronger, more powerful parent raising a hand to him, he may not feel wholly safe with her. There's another unfortunate thing that happens when you strike your child in anger: You significantly undercut your ability to challenge inappropriate behavior effectively.
Each of the times I've struck one of my kids, my actions have come in response to actions of theirs that did, in fact, deserve to be challenged. But each time I've ended up apologizing, instead of extracting the apology their actions warranted. What's to be done, if that happens? What does a parent do when she's hit her child, and she knows she shouldn't have, and she's sick with guilt and regret and shame about it?
Talk to your child about it. This won't undo the experience. But where hitting him tears the two of you apart, hugging him, telling him you're sorry, and letting him tell you how he feels can bring you back together. My son Willy was 7 the day I slapped him hard enough to leave a red mark on his cheek. Afterward -- after the angry words, the apologies, the tears -- we lay on the couch together, just holding each other, not saying anything for a long time.
You can also plan ahead for situations where your child tends to behave in challenging ways. For example, you might want to wait until after your child has had a nap or a snack before you take her grocery shopping. This can make it easier for your child to sit still in the trolley. This can be as simple as moving fragile things out of reach. And sometimes just distracting your child in a challenging situation is enough to reduce bad behaviour.
For preschoolers and school-age children this can include using consequences when children break rules or misbehave. You mother will have to put on her seat belt for this one, but you're right. By your age, there are many wiser ways to show consequences for poor behavior. Gavin de Becker is widely regarded as the leading U. His work has earned him three Presidential appointments and a position on a congressional committee.
This can prevent punishment from working as you hoped it would and can contribute to an angry child. Oftentimes, the sense of unfairness escalates to a feeling of humiliation. When punishment humiliates children they either rebel or withdraw. While spanking may appear to make the child afraid to repeat the misbehavior, it is more likely to make the child fear the spanker.
In our experience, and that of many who have thoroughly researched corporal punishment, children whose behaviors are spank-controlled throughout infancy and childhood may appear outwardly compliant, but inside they are seething with anger. They feel that their personhood has been violated, and they detach themselves from a world they perceive has been unfair to them.
They find it difficult to trust, becoming insensitive to a world that has been insensitive to them. Parents who examine their feelings after spanking often realize that all they have accomplished is to relieve themselves of anger. This impulsive release of anger often becomes addicting—perpetuating a cycle of ineffective discipline.
We have found that the best way to prevent ourselves from acting on the impulse to spank is to instill in ourselves two convictions: 1. That we will not spank our children. That we will discipline them. Since we have decided that spanking is not an option, we must seek out better alternatives. People are more likely to recall traumatic events than pleasant ones. I vividly remember the willow branch scenes.
After my wrongdoing, my grandfather would send me to my room. He would tell me I was going to receive a spanking. I remember looking out the window, seeing him walk across the lawn and take a willow branch from the tree. He would come back to my room and spank me across the back of my thighs with the branch. The willow branch seemed to be an effective spanking tool. It stung and made an impression upon me— physically and mentally.
Research has shown that spanking may leave scars deeper and more lasting than a fleeting redness of the bottom. Here is a summary of the research on the long-term effects of corporal punishment:. The evidence against spanking is overwhelming. Hundreds of studies all come to the same conclusions:. The more physical punishment a child receives, the more aggressive he or she will become. The more children are spanked, the more likely they will be abusive toward their own children.
Spanking plants seeds for later violent behavior. Many studies show the futility of spanking as a disciplinary technique, but none show its usefulness. Our general impression is that parents spank less as their experience increases.
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